Life

a post about failure

A post about dreams.

So simple. So easy. So pure.

In my mind, it is also such a fantasy.

I don’t know what it is, but every time I figure out a dream I take a step back, survey my handiwork. The world is at my feet, according to my mother “I’m gifted,” and yet despite all of that, I can’t see the happy dreaming big outcome. Then I see five years down the road when I have yet again failed myself. Photography is still a hobby (an expensive hobby at that), I am still battling being an “overqualified admin,” somewhere along the way I still missed the train. Cute little children appear in these dreams, but they sure don’t look like me…cause they aren’t mine.

Why is it so hard?

It seems so easy for everyone else. I spent two years planning a perfect grad school strategy, after all that…I’m not there, but people who decided to try for this six months ago are enrolled in classes and trekking right along. Friends have graduated from law school and medical school. Some are engaged, married, with one child, on to their second child. They are artists, they are musicians, they are gifted. I don’t begrudge them what they have. They are blessed beyond belief and I know that they still have struggles.

But, I look at my work [of the photo nature] and it’s hard not to simply think, it’s a nice photo that was made possible cause I own a nice camera and I rent overpriced lenses. It is hard to believe that isn’t the case and currently in the war with myself, the happy go-lucky side isn’t winning as much.

I want to be a person defined by dreaming big and taking a leap.

I admit, I have no idea how to.

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