when all seems lost.

6 June 2010

This week can be summarized by the following things:

Tears. Lots of Tears.
Memories.
Loss.
Disappointment at choices made.
Sadness.
Hurt.
Rejection.
Abandonment.
Frustration.
Confusion.

The weekend can be summarized by something that is full of understanding:

Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow

O the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we’re thrown and we’re tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross

– “Shadows,” David Crowder Band

This week’s mantra: “When shadows fall on us, we will not fear, we will remember.”

the loves.

16 February 2010

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a. it’s been a month since I posted. It has been a long month.
b. coming back strong with a list in honor of Valentine’s Day, so without further ado the loves of my life:

sunshine.

Pride & Prejudice.

political debates.

Gmail.

family.

fro-yo.

diagnonal crossing.

my beautiful Canon SLR (results of this throughout the post).

tax refunds.

babies.

kate spade.

toddlers.

silver linings.

Hulu.

cheese.

margaritas.

tequila.

bangles.

the Life Partner.

dinner made by Mom.

Trader Joe’s.

blogs and blogging.

ballet.

baking cupcakes.

laughter.

giant hoop earrings.

comics.

heritage Dr. Pepper.

trashy novels.

clementines.

naming one of my future kids, Clementine.

mexican food.

In-N-Out.

disney movies.

the Olympics.

men in the Olympics.

being “younger” so I can love 19 year old speed skaters.

boys with pretty eyes.

And let’s be honest, the list could go on and on. But in an attempt to finally hit post on a window that has been open for three days, we’re just going to go ahead and end it there.

jumbled.

8 December 2009

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There is something wonderful about working from home, and the wonderfulness only increases when you want to curl up in a ball and meditate on the depressing with no one else around. In moments like this, I always want to do something crazy and spontaneous. Really when it comes down to it, I really just want to say out loud all the things that I hold back.

So I have conversations out loud with, not surprising to anyone you knows me, imaginary people. And pretty much in this, I convince myself to leave well enough alone. But instead this time, it’s just a matter of a whole host of questions and thoughts in my mind and oh heavens are they random, with some applying to me and others being totally, totally random:

Who decided that winter is wonderful cause it’s one of the four seasons? It’s cold. It’s not fun. It makes my nose cold.
Is hulu going to really start charging?
Could I handle relocation to a new city and state?
French fries are a perfect food, when not cold and soggy.
New Harry Potter trailer was leaked and I can’t wait till Nov 2010.
In movies people make it look so easy to admit loving someone, what is that all about?
I want to do work, the kind that doesn’t make me feel like I’m repaying student loans for nothing.
There was a couple holding hands in front of me, for the first time in my life I was jealous.
Why can’t life be simple and easy?
There are several movies coming out that I want to see, I know this cause I watched trailers on Apple all day long
Who decided that there are friend categories and dateable people categories?
I make a damn good cupcake.
Dear Mom, I don’t want to “try to flirt” or appease a guy’s ego to get attention. That isn’t me. End of story.
DVR is an invention of the gods.
NYU 2011, let the application process begin.
Why….
The Little Mermaid soundtrack just started playing from my iTunes list, from LM to Pocahontas…Greatness.
In addition to the word debauchery, I love the word clandestine.
The real question, “Is something coming just around the river bend”
Mentality of a 8 year old girl, check.
It’s a wonder I can function with this much randomness in my head, oh wait, I can’t function.

It’s a great life I lead, even with all the ups and downs and major moments of bafflement…as I sit here singing along to ‘Colors of the Wind’ as my roommate walks into the house.

those days.

20 November 2009

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It’s been a happy week. A good week. A week without the depression that has spent a year burrowing itself into my mind. Then Friday hit and the range of emotions of the people around me caught me ill-prepared. In an effort to purge everything in my mind, not shocking…another list:

I can’t afford to refill a prescription in December, and my doctor doesn’t have samples (somehow this is what sent me into a teary state, for reasons I can’t comprehend)
Happy Roommates, and one with a date tonight
Overwhelmed co-worker who I’m pretty sure thinks everything out of my mouth is nuts
USAJobs = Bane of my life
Feeling helpless and unneeded (and most definitely undateable) :)

But we’re going to think happy thoughts to recall that life isn’t as bad as my brain currently thinks it is. Cause the next month is going to rock from a visit from the LP to dance performances, warm days in Cali for Xmas and just the sheer awesomeness of the holiday season. It’s going to be great.

need.

8 November 2009

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I need a break.

Those are words that are both ridiculous and true.

I need a break. I need a break from my thoughts. I need a break from the pain unknowingly cause. I need a break.

I need a break. I need a rest. I need to feel normal. I need to feel in control. I need to feel like I can say no. I need to feel like my joy isn’t based on others. I need a break.

I need a break. I need to not feel rejected. I need to feel whole again. I need love and compassion. I need a break.

So much angst, so little time.

The NYTimes Leads to List Making

17 June 2009

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I pride myself on many things:

The mass baking
Being on my 3rd job in 2 years
Never playing beer pong in college
Designing my dream kitchen (complete with color schemes and appliances)
Not being one of those girls that plans out her wedding at 18

That last statement is obviously the one that is stuck in my mind at the moment. I’m slowly defeating my own resolve, and I don’t even mean to do it.

Most recently it was the wonder of the cookie table. Who doesn’t love cookies, and the concept of a giant table of homemade cookies…well it’s just too much for this baking girl to imagine. Plus, I totally already am working through who would make what cookies/bars/brownies. And that, is also too much for this girl to imagine, the possibility of greatness is high.

Adding the cookie table to the “wedding I’m not planning” list, now means I’ve envisioned the cake (made by my wedding cake making mother), flowers (simple), dresses (peacock blue or a deep red), and a cookie table. Then today, JM (and the New York Times) threw a wrench in my “I don’t plan” lifestyle and how they did it:

Mini Burgers and Fries.

The NY Times ran an article about weddings and burgers. And they ran it in the dining section. You know, that section that we foodies all read. Yeah, the Times is trying to kill me and if not actually kill me, it’s definitely trying to take out my calm sanity. And it has, cause now…I want mini-burgers, french fries and an afterparty. Read to the end of the article for that last bit.

The difference between me and the article, I also want super cheap, except maybe those Christian Louboutins shoes that I obviously haven’t thought about.

What I want to do when I grow-up

3 June 2009

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So in November, while in the midst of utter job hatred and GRE studying, I posted the following list of obscure thing to do when I regained my life. But as H pointed out, I am enable of functioning without a busy life, it gives me purpose. So today/tonight we revisit the list to see how I’m doing.

Learn how to shoot (random, I know)
Take culinary classes, preferably basic knife skills and/or fine pastries
See people I haven’t seen in months (ahem, B)
Write a children’s story
Read for fun: novels, short stories, foodie books, etc
Fall for a boy…openly and without shame (I wouldn’t use the word fall…let’s go with, intrigued by)
Have a regular gym schedule (hahaha…never happening…let’s just pull that one off the list forever)
Purge the junk from my life (i.e. clean out my closets, yes, closets plural)
Do something I’m passionate about, otherwise known as Dance…lots and lots of Dance *could always be more of this.
Bake more, give away more
Go on one or two day road trips
See musicals/plays/ballets
Figure out how to be a pirate spokesman
Learn how to make a truffle (not the mushroom, the chocolate)
Write letters to one of the West Coast girls
Clean my apartment *it’s a vicious never-ending cycle though
Remember how to grocery shop and eat normal, nutritious meals
Learn how to play the flute…they wouldn’t let me in 4th grade cause I had a mouthful of metal
Visit my Life Partner in the frozen tundra.
Spend more time on Craigslist…I hear rumor there are fun things to be found there *the Token friend sent what happens to be some of the best Craigslist ads ever, hysterical I tell you. Amazing.

However, now with more time and less angsty energy (thank God), I think it’s time to revise the list and somehow in the process of doing so, a bucket list is evolving. (In case this is unclear, I really love lists…especially the “why I’m single list.” Ask about it sometime, cause two words make that whole list: Veggie. Tales.) But without further ado…

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Thursday

28 May 2009

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So.

Yep. That one word is really channeling the major thoughts of my brain right now. Thoughts that sound something like this:

“Uhhhhh….so yeah, about that.”

About what?? My brain is dying. Instead let’s talk about the summer time or as I’ve coined it “’09: The Summer of Freedom!” Not going to lie, that is actually what I’ve been calling it, complete with the exclaimation point. People may occasionally look at me like I’m nuts. But here is the rational:

I love my job
I can’t afford to go on vacation ever again.
Pretty sure, I love my life…singleness and all.
I have mentally let go of something that has been harping on me for months.
Fit a move to a cheaper location in.
Reorganize all of my stuff, especially the kitchen.
Because I can’t afford to go on vacation, I’m attending 2 concerts thus far and planning an endless supply of baking sessions, brunch and dinner parties.

So I’m living life in the freedom of the moment (and freedom from a few things). And Lord only knows it great. Maybe if I include freedom from J.Crew my budget would also feel a sense of relief.

I’m not looking for a miracle here.

The week just keeps getting better

30 January 2009

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Let’s just hit a quick highlight on my week, and all the joy the internet has brought my way.

First: The Bacon Explosion. I have never seen something fly around the internet so fast in my life. Legit, two or three days ago I made the discovery via a link in a friend’s gchat window. Now it’s all over the internet, being featured on CNN, and clogging arteries everywhere. It is pretty much a heartattack on a plate, like whoa.

Second: The CNN following of the Freshman congressman. They have selected two different congressman, Jared Polis (D-CO) and Jason Chaffetz (R-UT), and have given them cameras and a blog-sphere to add to. It’s about the most adorable thing ever, and while it doesn’t highlight my favorite freshman (cough Aaron Schock (R-IL) cough), it doesn’t mean that I am not totally loving CNN’s coverage. And Chaffetz, is a twitter happy person…like whoa, and it’s wonderful. And in case anyone was wonder, I want to be the Congressional version of an RA (yes, an RA from college) to the Frosh Reps, it would rock!

Third: (Not a link involved in this one). I seriously hit refresh every five minutes trying to stay up on who is going to be the new chairman of my party. Alas, it was the one person that I wasn’t a huge fan of, but Michael Steele could be better then Mike Duncan, I hope. But I’m going to hold out hope.

Fourth: My love of trash fiction is not something that I hide and I started reading Twilight on Sunday night at 1 am. And by started reading, I mean I made it through Twilight and New Moon, and have just started reading Eclipse. Pretty much, Stephanie Meyer is wonderful…supplying me lots of pop fiction to melt into. Tonight will continue on the reading trend, unless there is a better offer, which means to say me, raspberry sorbet and my book have a date tonight.

And then tonight is fun dance class night!! So excited, because this week started out horrific and has ended up pretty fantastic.

throwing cake

Category Archives: Lists

when all seems lost.

the loves.

jumbled.

those days.

need.

What I want to do when I grow-up

Thursday

The week just keeps getting better

Follow “throwing cake”