Life, Thoughts

the day after.

Ever wonder what it’s like attending the memorial service of one of your best friends…it’s the worst feeling ever.  That is really all that can be said about it.

You love, you lose. You trust, you are failed. You cry, you cry some more.

And then, there is a glimmer.

In the strangest of places.

Today I watched a little Glee which brought on a little smile and a giggle of delight. And then it brought my favorite this ever…Somewhere Over the Rainbow, with it came a happy little note of:

Oh… Someday I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind… me…
Where troubles melt, like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops
That’s where, you’ll find… me

And so, if I can wish upon a star and to reference pop music, I can pretend that airplanes are shooting stars, well then…things will get better.

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Life, Lists, Music, Thoughts

when all seems lost.

This week can be summarized by the following things:

Tears. Lots of Tears.
Memories.
Loss.
Disappointment at choices made.
Sadness.
Hurt.
Rejection.
Abandonment.
Frustration.
Confusion.

The weekend can be summarized by something that is full of understanding:

Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow

O the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we’re thrown and we’re tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross

– “Shadows,” David Crowder Band

This week’s mantra: “When shadows fall on us, we will not fear, we will remember.”

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Friends, Life, Thoughts

a piece of my heart.

Kathleen.

We got to know each other because a lot of things: our shared connection to undergrad, mutual friends, the love of certain restaurants, etc. She was the person who would sit in line with me for hours, just waiting with me, so that I could meet the Pioneer Women. She was the person, that when I needed to drive home (2 hours each way) to vote, came along as long as lunch was involved. She was the person that I could call on whim to go on a random drive, meet at the farmers market, eat an unplanned meal, or get coffee with me after physical therapy. All in all, she was, and will always remain, an amazing friend.

What kept us together however, especially most recently, was a bit of a different bond. Both of us bonded over caring about boys that we, in fact, aren’t dating and the neverending prodding of people with the question “so why aren’t you dating?” In the beginning, we would laugh over how much people tried to get involved with something that clearly wasn’t their business. By the end, our long talks were about everything under the sun, but a reoccuring one was if it was okay for her to love someone, who well, probably didn’t care in the same way. But in what some people would deem the ubber serious, we found laughter because, well, that is who she was. We laughed over our own absurdities, poked fun at ourselves. We were always there to provide a listening ear and a bit of encouragement and to point-blank tell each other when they had crossed into a crazy line of thought. I will never forget those moments. The constant support. The unceasing laughter. That joy.

I love you and miss you my dear, dear friend. You take with you a piece of my heart.

Kathleen Benz
aka the British Friend
September 22, 1984 – May 29, 2010

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Life, Thoughts

finally.

Since the start of the new year, and the over 2 weeks since my last post, I have been thinking and contemplating that overly deep resolutions post. And every time there was a crazy moment to write about, something else would top it…and soon my brain was full and my ability to write was fading. So to jump start my mind and my thoughts, the current thoughts of my life in random order.

Graduate School: This has been the world’s largest struggle for me. Everyone else seems to know what they want with their big dreams and large plans of life. And every time I thought I had it figured out, something would come along and I’d realize how wrong I was, it became a problem. But then I was talking to the HD one day, who has always been an awesome educational compass for me, and in a moment of full honesty said that finding a job after grad school was going to be tough no matter what but wouldn’t it be so much better to work hard for something I loved. He, of course, was right.  So I mentally went back to my loves of history, government, and food to think through what I could do, and presented to me was the Master’s in Food Studies at NYU. If a love affair can be had with a graduate program from afar, this was that moment and despite my desire to not move, I began to realize I would do anything for this opportunity. So the cogs have been turning, timelines are being laid within my mind, and the processing of through all of the post-degree options make me fantastically giddy. To study food through the lens of history, sociology, anthropology, hands on cooking, business, trade, and environmental policies is pretty much a dream at the moment. And it’s something that I’m both hopeful for and excited to attempt to reach.

Life: In a moment to shock everyone who knows my hated of doctors, I have been forced into weekly contact with the medical profession. About a month ago I ran after my bus, injured my foot/leg, went to the doctor, hated the doctor, ignored the doctor and then went on vacation. It was awesome. But then I came back from LA and it still hurt. So piggybacking off an appointment I already had, I asked my orthopedic to check it out (for anyone in the D.C. area, I can refer you to a sports medicine focused doctor with a hot resident). ‘Lo and behold, my years of clutziness have come back to haunt me and a leg injury that should require a boot is in fact not getting a boot because years of knee damage won’t allow it. And thus I am now in physical therapy twice a week, contemplating why I’m allowing individuals to dig their fingers into my joint, tendons and muscles to get a reaction. Pretty much summed up, I whimpered…during PT…it was almost the most pathetic moment of my year thus far.

All in all…life is hysterical, it’s full of ups and downs, and I’m really never sure what is going on around me or what I’m really doing. But the start of the year has brought some easy decisions, some hard decisions, things I want desperately and things that I miss more then I ever knew I would, and well, it also has included just some fantastic comical moments.

Happy 2010!

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Life, Lists, NaBloPoMo, Thoughts

those days.

It’s been a happy week. A good week. A week without the depression that has spent a year burrowing itself into my mind.  Then Friday hit and the range of emotions of the people around me caught me ill-prepared. In an effort to purge everything in my mind, not shocking…another list:

  • I can’t afford to refill a prescription in December, and my doctor doesn’t have samples (somehow this is what sent me into a teary state, for reasons I can’t comprehend)
  • Happy Roommates, and one with a date tonight
  • Overwhelmed co-worker who I’m pretty sure thinks everything out of my mouth is nuts
  • USAJobs = Bane of my life
  • Feeling helpless and unneeded (and most definitely undateable) :)

But we’re going to think happy thoughts to recall that life isn’t as bad as my brain currently thinks it is. Cause the next month is going to rock from a visit from the LP to dance performances, warm days in Cali for Xmas and just the sheer awesomeness of the holiday season. It’s going to be great.

 

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Life, NaBloPoMo, Thoughts

god moment.

A part of my life was compared to a scene in Little Women, I would feel proud of this because I love Alcott like a lot but in fact it wasn’t a positive comparison. It was one of those comparisons that pretty much tells you that like every character in the book/movie/play/musical…you’re not getting it.

That is really nothing that I can solve on my own, and the person who could help is so not allowed to be involved. So we fast forward to the Sunday evening insanity, we skip a gripe session about my frustrations with peoples inability to follow through on commitments and fast forward again to my shouting match with God.

Oh yes, I went there…and I took it all the way.

And in a moment of cosmic smackdown, when I thought my anger was righteous and my frustration was justified (I believe it went something like, “I never wanted this and I said you could take it back”), I was knocked off of my high horse. Cause in the quiet and the stillness, in the place where I’m scared to trust and take risks, I found myself with one thought… “for in my weakness…Your power is made perfect.”

Let me tell you, it was like having the wind knocked from my sails. And in a deep moment of calm, I remember the awesome things. I set aside my current needs to mold life into a neat and tidy box. Because in imperfection…there is greatness.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (niv)

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Life, Thoughts

time.

1:36 am and I am wide awake with my thoughts, my dreams and not surprising to most, a full waterworks show.

The end of the day/weekend thought rush hit and also not surprisingly, I’m not pleased with the million and one thoughts running through my brain. Mostly, it’s all about the response to things. A response that can both terrify and strengthen. A response that can lead to change that some may not expect and may just lead to continual thoughts that I’m going crazy.

But I’m not.

This may be the most sane moment that I’ve had in a while. In a year of constantly repeating the phrase “oh good heavens did I miss some memo,” it’s all now coming together. Time to make that something good and positive, even if it’s down a path that I never would have picked, but all in good time.

time.

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Life, Photography, Thoughts

Laugh, Cry…Live

Museum Monday brought an image that describes my world:

…with one change…

If it makes you laugh,
if it makes you cry,
if it rips out your heart,
that’s a good life.

Life is full of highs and lows, ups and down, peace and anxiety. But more then anything it is full of passion, dreams and hopes. Passion for life. A passion was fun and joy. Passion for justice and truth. We feel passion towards things that we love, hobbies and such; but we also feel passion toward the people we love. We want the best for them, often time I spend more time wanting the best for those around me, forgetting that I too have a path to walk down, a life to lead.

so…

My hopes make me laugh,
my dreams often make me cry,
my passions can make me feel like my heart is breaking,
this, however, is a good life.

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Life, Thoughts

…shalom

I found a song that explains the last few weeks of life. It’s been exhauting, draining, emotional more then I needed. It’s been a time of introspection that I didn’t have time for, but then first thing that I remember is my timing isn’t God’s timing. Thus, there has been an attempt to not channel my struggles onto the blog.

Today was the day to take long walks, a lot of pictures and laugh a little in the process; and I got so much more then that.

The journey is seen above and below, lunch with one KAR and an afternoon with galleries and my camera.

Continue reading

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Life, Thoughts

serious tangent

Motto for today:

Je déteste des hommes dans la politique

Yeah, you saw that right. Today’s motto is in french. For all those who knew me in college you will know that I hate the french language with all the fire that is in me. And yet, it moments of absurd expressiveness, I find myself summarizing my thoughts in one line of french (often shocked that I remember vocab and conjugation).

Reasons behind my detesting of men in politics (which really is more men in power): Continue reading

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