A Conversation with Mom

Two posts in about 5 hours…it just proves that I now have something to write about. (After I fell asleep on my couch and ate a little bit of protein, my body is happy). But needless to say my mom called me at midnight and in true fashioned chastised me for being awake, but as she’s calling I think it’s pretty safe to know where I get it from.

The conversation was both absurd, morbid, bizarre and funny (like laughing so hard we both were crying).

Now, my mom and I have a strange “we’ve probably spent way too much time together” sort of relationship. And this translates to in the course of the call tonight there was:

  1. A moment she was annoyed and almost hung up on me
  2. The following moment where I was annoyed she was annoyed, so I just pretended I couldn’t tell and instead talked over her
  3. A discussion on baking and whose cake was better
  4. How my dad intellectually rejected her wine selection and instead picked a better one
  5. How if she died, I am to run away and not get sucked into taking care of my brother and dad because I quote, “You’ll get sucked in and then you’ll never find a husband, just get on the first plane to Alaska.”
  6. 70’s music and the inappropriateness of Margaritaville

But, when it came down to it. The best moment was the last 10 minutes where we ended up laughing so hard we were crying and completely incapable of hanging up the phone. So it started when I made a comment like “oh we can call our bakery that.” She says no, it’ll be our names. But she uses her two-syllable name, and my one-syllable nickname. Needless to say, I reject it on balance. And then out of the blue she asks if I want to change my middle name to her maiden name.

My response can easily be described as: No, what is wrong with you?

Then she launches into a thing about how she had been thinking that she should have given my brother and I her maiden name, and did I want to take it now. I just laughed and was like, “Mom, I like my middle name, and I would take your maiden name…but one day I want to hyphenate my name and think, I’d be starting out with a base of 29 letters. I could never fill out a form ever again!”

Somehow, and at this moment I’m still not sure how, this translated into her trying to rename her 23-year old daughter. And I made the comment of, “Can you imagine if I showed up at church on Sunday and someone greeted me by name and I responded, oh sorry that isn’t my name anymore because my mom renamed me Friday night was she was loopy.” From there it just got worse, cause she asked if it would be emotional cruelty to a child if she were to say, legally rename my 17-year-old brother just three and a half months before his 18th birthday. We decided it wasn’t and that he should embrace the rural countryside he lives in.

His new name: Jim Bob. (Sucks for him that he went to sleep halfway through the call).

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