There are moments when everything seems different. Moments when you just want to close your eyes and will yourself to another place and time. Normally, it’s to a place where you like yourself a little bit more then you did in the current moment.
I find myself sitting and thinking and sitting and thinking a lot more then I previously have done. And whereas in the past it wasn’t the healthiest thing, this time it seems a wee bit more positive. But that doesn’t make it any easier. It probably also isn’t any better when I am not really the most open book in the library.
A few months ago I found myself in a conversation that ended with a line that went something like “oh no, whitney doesn’t open up to anyone.” And I started to think. Then I went to MTH2012 and it caused me to think in a new way. All of the sudden it hit, I’m not sure how much is me and how much is that most people, and I love them so, don’t actually want to ask the deep questions. They don’t want to walk along side in the mess parts of life. They want neat and tidy. They want to feel great but unsullied by another’s dirt. They don’t want to hear the simple truths that are hard to speak.
And I find myself looking to see if I do the same, because it is inevitable that I do. That being said, I am the sort of person who wants to solve everyone else’s problems and pretend I’m fine. But you know what, I’m messy and I need someone to hold my hand sometimes and focus solely on me and say that it may suck, but it gets better.
Because really, it does get better.