broken.

There are the moments.

They are the moments that creep in when you think that nothing seems right and you can’t actually see that clearly pretty path that we have all considered to be the norm.

Every year I joke that the theme of this years birthday will be “Fill in the Blank Years of Perpetual Singleness.” So this year, the magical number is 27. All of the sudden it all seems so, adult.

I read a million and one articles from amazing people like Cory Copeland and Lauren Dubinsky, of the Good Woman Project. I plan my future around a business plan that will have me flying around the world, photographing beautiful things. I download, I free write, I self visualize, all in an effort to embrace that thought in my head that I know is true:

God is Enough.

And it is enough. But that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. It doesn’t mean that some days, when you watch your roommate leave the house for another date, it won’t cross your mind as you pull on yoga pants and queue up, that maybe you are a little bit broken. Over and over you will repeat the mantra that you are whole. That you are fearfully and wonderfully made. But sometimes, you just are a little bit tired and you just for a minute believe the voices inside your head, or in the words of a book that was recommended to me, “When People Are Big and God is Small.”

Sometimes I wonder why. Why almost 27 years of perpetual singleness? But that is a question I can’t answer. Nor do I really want to dig up that answer. Instead, in the midst of brokenness, I look for the next step.

Another brick to remove from the wall. Someone to love on and encourage without ceasing. Parties to plan. Photo shoots to design. Recipes to try. Workout to not let defeat me.  People to uplift.

Will I have moments of  happy, sad, annoyed, amused, inspired and loving all at the same time? Well, in the words of yesterday’s Copeland article, One can only hope.

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