Yesterday I had dinner with a good friend and our starting conversation went something like this:
her: so tell me about life?
me: well my job sucks and I think my photography does as well
her: glad to know that so much has changed, especially that self-doubt
I had to laugh. It it so true. Based on the given day, I am a giant self-doubter. I am working on it, I swear, but I look at pretty pictures on the internet and all I can think is, I’m not that good. I said I was working on it, not that I’m cured.
That being said, it is amazing how much a step back helps the clouds seem a bit farther away.
During MTH we did a section on what we are saying yes to and what we desperately need to say no to. So I wrote off being stressed about my singleness, hitting the snooze button, napping after work, feelings of inadequacy and moping at my desk. Thus far, we’re still working on those. But I have done a wee bit better on the yes side. I’m taking dance two to three days a week, job hunting, working on photoshop skills, travelling, and being present.
Mostly it has been about dialing down the things I should be saying no to, and dialing up the yes. And this works with people too. Dialing down the negative nancys and up the positive pollys. It is amazing to really step back and look at the people around you and how they influence your life. To see what is truly life-giving and then to realize that there are situations that may be taking life from you.
So over the last couple of weeks I have been stepping back, evaluating and acting. The last part is the biggest deal for me, acting. So I have reconnected with friends who live 2 miles away that I see every 6 months. I am placing myself around those who can laugh at my self-doubt and point out the lies that are running through my head. Hanging out with creative people who can inspire me, while I in turn can do the same for them.
Right now it’s mostly a puzzle in my head, but for the first time in a while, I think the puzzle is finally making a picture.