life // the state of being alone.

You know, today I made a discovery…the problem with being lonely has almost nothing to do with the moment at hand, and everything to do with the moments that have passed and the future to come.

As I spend my Saturday night alone, cleaning out closets and cabinets and I find myself thinking on the deep emotion that is loneliness. Today I spent the day running to the mechanic, cleaning my car out, sitting at the car wash, and returning bottles to my local dairy. Simple tasks that I do all the time and don’t mind at all. Until the thought crosses my mind, in 10-15 years…I could still be doing this all by myself.

My story-creating mind jumps forward 13 years, I’ll be 40. I try and distract myself by dancing around my room to Lana Del Rey. Again, the nagging feeling of being alone forever. I find myself torn between thinking it wouldn’t be that bad, and the thought that it could be unbearable. My mind jumps back and forth, forcing itself into an almost migraine-like state. It won’t stop. For a second all I want to do is sit in the middle of my mess and weep.

I take a breath and tell myself that it’s okay. I did something new…I validated the fear. I let it be okay. I let myself feel the fear, the hurt, and the pain. I didn’t manifest it into something self-destructive, but I told 27-year-old me that it’s okay to think that life isn’t fair.

27-year-old me is broken.

And on a Saturday night, alone with only my music and my thoughts, this broken girl decided that it was okay to think being single is great and being alone really sucks. Because that is what being human looks like.

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